A Shining Viator
by crowgranger916
Summary: All her life, Crystal's mind has been managed by one emotion all but her emotional compatriots refer to as "Director." Thanks to Director, Crystal excels like no other at school. But as her mental health deteriorates, her unusually large set of emotions must go on a long journey of discovering how to cope. A story about the neurodiverse brain; rated T for highly emotional moments.
1. Chapter 1: A Weary Night

Two sets of hands bonded together, never wanting to let go. They hoped she would feel it, even though their logical minds told them otherwise. They knew they had no power over the natural leader in the room next door. Of course, a leader was powerless without a large troupe of loyal followers, which said leader definitely had. Even the most dimwitted of her followers had developed a complex anyone would deem intelligent. Why didn't they question her? The one they served was a loyal student of history; they, of all people, were aware that most leaders had rather significant faults.

Joy's fingers reluctantly slipped from Sadness's hand. She stood up. "Let's make sure we get to bed tonight. That one would have us going over our quiz material until 4 AM."

"Wait, Joy-" Sadness protested. Joy's thoughtful eyes met her sister's. Hazel eyes, just like hers; eyes that no one else out there had. Fear had had them back in the day, but her eyes had changed to a dazzling blue many years ago.

"Crystal will like this trip. I just know it," Sadness said. Over the course of the past few hours, she and Joy had been planning Crystal's college tour trip, scheduled for her spring break. College was… a complicated matter, yet Joy and Sadness were confident they could keep Fear at bay for at least 24 hours during this trip. Fear did get exhausted… rarely, but she wasn't the superhuman the rest of the mind saw her as.

"Sadness, we've done all we can. We are on the right track. Come," Joy replied, no smile on her face now.

Joy and Sadness entered the main control room with some trepidation. Crystal's control room appeared, at first sight, no different from any other: the console and screen in front, plush chairs for the emotions to sit in, the core memory holder on the floor and day's memories on a shelf to the right. But there was a minimal amount of space inside compared to most minds, not because Crystal's control center was abnormally small. Joy and Sadness peered across the room at their exhausted counterparts: two emotions with a similar appearance, minus the eyes. Tonight, the two Joys couldn't even manage a smile. NT Joy, the Joy across the room, attempted one and failed miserably.

Crystal, ready to power down for the night, stared apathetically at her phone. Every emotion in the room had dark circles under their eyes. Today had been tough, and the tough days were coming more and more frequently. Only Fear stood up straight, taking her usual place in the center of the room.

"Mom said to go to bed; we need a few more minutes to relax and then we can do so. We're done for the night. ND Anger, you're on dream duty. I would be fine with her staying up and studying if she were in the shape to do so," at this point, one of the two Disgusts glared weakly at Fear, "but she's in this place, so we just need her to get enough rest for tomorrow's quiz. Good night, all."

As one of the Angers took his place in front of the console, sighing dejectedly, Fear and the other emotions disappeared into a hallway. Each of the nine emotions shut the doors to their bedrooms. For remarkably different emotions, they were all thinking the same thoughts. Most fell asleep with Adele's "Hometown Glory" in their heads. Most wished the wish they had practically every night: that Crystal wouldn't have another anxiety episode tomorrow.

Of course, that was a pretty stupid wish to make with Fear around, and even Fear didn't have full control over Crystal's anxiety now.

The said purple emotion shut her door, knowing the other emotions would model after her. Far from going to sleep, though, Fear didn't even bother taking out her hairdo. It was the same bun Crystal used to wear every day in 8th grade, the year they venerated, and still wore when her hair cooperated with her. Like Crystal, Fear was dressed in an unassuming solid top, dark blue jeans and black boots. She never admitted this to the other emotions, but Fear often thought she _was_ Crystal, that the other emotions were just there to do what they wanted or, in the case of the NT emotions, help her lead a successful life in the cruel world out there.

Fear peered out the window at Crystal's Personality Islands: the long, curvy strip of her foremost island, and the four tiny islands positioned on either side. The dominant island was called Academic/Planning Island; to its left were Family and Friendship Islands, and to its right were Internet and Cello Islands.

She didn't waste much time looking at the display; there were more important tasks to get done. With a push of a single button on the wall, Fear's bedroom morphed from just that- a room with a bed- into a technological haven. With a small smile, Fear sat down at a computer and entered a string of letters and numbers. One of two screens located above her flickered on to show the main control room and ND Anger's exhausted face. Fear sighed, half-contented and half-down the never-ending spiral Crystal was fully immersed in. Figuring that she could clear her fuzziness by helping Crystal with school, she pulled a headset out of her desk drawer and linked it to her computer. She entered another command onto the screen and started speaking.

"AcPlan, are you ready?" she asked, fingers flying over the keyboard.

"Good evening, Director," came the voice of Alan, the Mind Worker who Fear herself had chosen to direct Academic/Planning Island. "Yes, ready as usual. What subject shall we proceed with?"

Fear opened her mouth to answer, but first heard the voice of a young Mind Worker, presumably one of the latest additions to the Department of Study, the most prestigious department on the island. "Hey Fear, I heard Crystal had another anxiety attack today about the history project… shouldn't we be taking a break from school?"

Before Fear could reply, Alan's voice thundered in her ears. "Excuse me," he boomed, and a view of a lecture-hall looking room appeared on the second screen above Fear's head. Fear saw Alan walk with an unmistakably deliberate air towards one of the rows of seats, where a scared Mind Worker slumped. "You do _not_ speak to the leader of this superior mind in such a manner," he said, "and you do not ask questions unrelated to her academic knowledge. Plus, you know very well that anxiety is what keeps this department running, and we are all quite proud of that." The two workers sitting next to the threatened one nodded somberly at Alan.

"I apologize on behalf of this worker, Director. We have clearly failed in training him appropriately and we will see to that as soon as possible."

Fear could not acknowledge the thoughts she was truly having, only those of Alan. "Thank you for your continued commitment to excellence, Alan. I can assure everyone that Crystal's academic abilities tomorrow will not be inhibited, especially if everyone gives their two hundred percent. Let us start with French so we can warm up to math."

"Direct object practice, yes?" Alan replied, striding back to his place at the front of the room.

"Yes," Fear said. Any noise in the room died; most of the Mind Workers respected Fear for knowing all of what they did, especially as someone with a very different required job. Fear cleared her throat and adopted Crystal's best accent. "Edna, est-ce que tu vas me telephoner ce soir?"

Edna, the French Mind Worker who had been called upon, startled at being singled out by the leader she so revered and was quick to answer. "Non, je ne me vas pas telephoner ce soir."

Fear and Alan both narrowed their eyes at Edna, who gulped, immediately realizing her mistakes. "Wrong pronoun placement," Fear snapped, heart rate increasing tenfold and dread filling her, while Alan added, "wrong conjugation."

"Conjugate aller, Edna," Fear commanded in a dangerous tone.

 _Oh, how very cruel! This is quite unnecessary! Fear could leave this mind and Crystal would still be at the top of her French class, it's not like math,_ Edna thought. Regardless, she quickly spoke, blushing in the direction of her smirking peers. "Je vais. Tu vas. Il, elle, et on va…"

Fear was so intent on listening to Edna, so anxious about the quiz tomorrow, that she did not hear another emotion entering her room.

The Anger on Dream Duty gaped at Fear's equipment, shocked. He'd known all of the power Fear had, the fact that Fear worked twice as hard as every other emotion and how much Crystal suffered from that (at least in his opinion). But he had never guessed that Fear didn't sleep, that Fear was so intent on school she joined AcPlan's processing all night, that even when Crystal had borderline depression, Fear thought pushing for more perfect grades was the solution…

Alan quickly noticed Anger standing in the room and cut Edna off. "Director, another emotion has intruded on your space," Fear heard.

If Fear's heart rate was skyrocketing before, it was out of proportion now. Fear wheeled around to face a shocked, and unusually furious, Anger. He wasn't supposed to see- none of them were- she was protecting Crystal and she knew they wouldn't have it- but oh- Fear knew that both Anger and Ac/Plan were listening to her, so she quickly composed her face. "Anger, please return to Dream Duty. I will be happy to converse with you when I am finished with our friends here."

Anger wasn't having it. "No. Fear, what the heck is this?!" he growled. He moved towards her computer, attempting to shut off her connection to Ac/Plan, but Fear beat him to it.

"I'm sorry, Alan, I have to go, please keep studying hard," Fear said in as calm a tone as possible. The last she saw of Alan was shocked. Not good; Alan rarely became shocked at anything. Could she keep control much longer? She said a silent prayer for Alan to recover and keep them on track-

In one swift move, Fear tore off her headset, stood up, and crossed her arms at Anger. "What do you want?" she asked, already knowing very well what he was going to say… _a leader doesn't cower. A leader stands strong. A leader defends,_ she yelled at herself, already trembling.

"You have torn her logic from her. You have torn nearly all of her humanity from her. You have reduced her to someone even Mom doesn't know how to help, and your solution is to push her even harder at school? Fear-" he was out of words. ND Anger grabbed Fear's computer and made to smash it, Fear crying in desperation. "Stop! Stop! She can't- she can't-"

The door opened once again, and a green emotion, impeccably dressed, filled the door. "What in the mind is going on?" shouted NT Disgust. Before Anger could destroy the computer, she gracefully jumped up and seized it, then cradled it close to her, not willing to give it back to Fear.

"YOU'RE THE PROBLEM!" screamed Anger, past rationality just like Fear. His head started to smoke, and fire danced dangerously close to Disgust's designer top. "WELL NO, YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE CHOICE OF NOT EXISTING, BECAUSE FEAR JUST DIDN'T GIVE IT TO YOU. BUT SHE'S GOING INSANE THANKS TO YOU, AND TO FEAR, YET ALL FEAR CAN DO IS THINK THAT AC/PLAN WILL FAIL US!" At this point, fire was threatening to envelop the room. But Fear had planned for everything. Without her touch, water started to stream from the ceiling, quickly extinguishing Anger's head yet avoiding Fear's screens. Anger's eyes widened. Then he shook his head and plopped onto Fear's bed, groaning. "No. No. No. We can't do this. We can't keep doing this."

Fear attempted to keep from fainting. "Remember- mom says-"

NT Disgust placed a hand on Fear's back and sat her down at her desk again. Relatively unscathed, she faced ND Anger. "Past behavior is the best predictor of future action. We will recover. Things will get back to the way they were in middle school. You'll be there to help her assertiveness; I will help her with her classmates," she said, ignoring Fear for now.

ND Anger wasn't having it. "No. We have to stop her perfectionism. It can't grow any more. It got worse when you came," he said, pointing at Disgust. "All of you. Fear doesn't love us. She only wants perfection, and we didn't measure up. You realize you were created in a lab, right? Fear's exact comment was 'quite a bit of advanced math, I've stored it away in Ac/Plan for Crystal.' You shouldn't exist."

NT Disgust narrowed her eyes. "Oh really? So you want her to be encumbered by hair dryers and garage doors again? You want her to think friends are unnecessary? Keep in mind, Fear and the rest of us were the ones who brought her to normality, not you."

Anger laughed. "That's the problem. She's never been 'normal.' But I know this. She was happy enough inside her head before. And then Fear made the NT emotions. And now here we are, borderline depression." His gaze bored into Fear's. "Yes, this might be simple, but it needs to be said. Crystal has struggled ever since you made your neurotypical emotions and put them here. I'm going to say the words, you idiot. Autism spectrum disorder. ASD. Asperger's syndrome. That's who Crystal is, and we can't avoid it. So excuse me for thinking that you're the problem, 'Director', because you started it all.

Crystal is depressed because of you."

 **Author's Note: Hi all, thank you so much for reading! If there are any of you in the neurodiverse community reading this, know that yes, I'm aware all of her emotions are treating her disability very simplistically right now. There will be a lot of thought and nuanced themes explored later in the story. Please know I'm not implying everyone with a neurodiverse brain is facing struggles like depression, either- this story is very personal and I am not applying it to any other person. Anyway, thank you so much for reading and reviews would be appreciated :)**


	2. Chapter 2: Advanced Vocabulary

**Author's Note: Hi all, thanks for reading Chapter 1! I realize this story is not very strong in terms of technical writing, but if I focused on that, my Fear would never let me retain the carefree attitude that's currently distracting me from her and other negative emotions. I plan to edit both chapters later on for clarity and technique. However, I really wanted to pound this out before the week started. So, here we are! Flashback to my kid self, both literally in the story and inside of me as I'm writing this :)**

It wasn't characteristic of ND Anger to hang around for long after he delivered such fateful words. The brick had promptly disappeared back into the control room, but not before he grumbled at Fear to stop her night surveillance of Dream Duty. NT Disgust stayed with Fear for a bit longer, deciding that no words she could say would comfort the tall nerve. Instead of speaking, she straightened up Fear's space and unearthed some rather dusty nightclothes from her bureau. Her nose wrinkled automatically at the mothball-filled smell; it seemed that Fear had no use for pajamas.

She carefully avoided Fear's technology, not wanting her creator to believe she had the same feelings about it as Anger. NT Disgust didn't mind being monitored. Since her entire job was to present Crystal in public, the concept of privacy was comfortably foreign to her. Yet she could see why the ND emotions felt powerless amid Fear's leadership. Sighing to herself, she banished all thoughts from her head except getting her beauty sleep. Crystal needed to look extra-presentable after an anxiety attack, that was for sure.

"I would suggest sleep," she said, before giving Fear a small wave and closing the door once again.

For her part, Fear numbly followed the directions of her creation and put on the pajamas, too exhausted to care about the smell. Her heart still raced. "Hometown Glory" was playing at an exceedingly loud volume in her head, and she let her composed expression fall, almost at tears.

It was so difficult, a catch 22. To be Fear, but not to appear scared. To be a forceful leader, and to be kind. To try and change her mindset, let other emotions take control for once, all the while knowing that they were reliant on her. They had been for almost 16 years now.

 _Crystallia?_

Fear sat up, predictably startled, then sighed. She closed her eyes, and a smile actually formed on her lips. The other emotions hadn't seen her smile in almost a month. But physical location didn't always dictate emotional closeness, not even for emotions themselves.

 _Hey._

At first, she cringed at the informal greeting, then realized she was in _that_ place… and Crystal only greeted people this way when she was in that place. He would immediately know what was wrong.

 _Do you want to talk?_ The voice that entered her mind was light years from the voice that had scolded the impetuous Mind Worker, yet she knew it was still his.

 _Alan, I… you know I don't believe in the damsel-in-distress philosophy._ Fear swallowed, thanking every deity in the sky that he couldn't see her face right now. _Some days I wonder why we decided on something as binding as telepathic implants, and others… well, I don't know where I would be without you here._

 _Others, like now?_ She could sense his soft grin without hearing it. _I'll repeat myself; I am the one person you must not worry for. You are not Director to me, you are not even Fear to me, you are Crystallia, and I'm sorry to say, but there are times I love you more than our girl._

 _We don't have to talk now. Ac/Plan will be fine. I know my stuff. You know your stuff, and the others do too._

 _Sometimes I wish you were one of Crystal's emotions. She wouldn't be having so many self-esteem issues,_ Fear replied.

Alan stayed silent for a few seconds, clearly deep in thought. His voice came out more hesitantly than usual. _Avoidance may very well be the worst strategy right now, but let's just remember how we met, yes? You and Crystal tend to find a lot of answers in the past._

 _Alright, I can tell you're tired after math,_ Fear teased, only half-joking. _Thank gosh she doesn't have a test tomorrow in that subject. Very well. Let's remember and then maybe I can regain the vocabulary I received back then. I sound hideous now._

Fear lay back down and dove into the past with a frenzy of longing.

The beginning. The days when they didn't have things under control. Before the NT emotions, the mind manual examinations, all of it. Fear shuddered and hastened to remind herself that the darkness of it wouldn't last long.

Headquarters. Not crowded, as it was now. Joy at the console as Crystal jumped endlessly on her trampoline, her expression giving away none of her happiness. Mind Workers entered… two. Joy and Sadness waved, Anger and Disgust gave a questioning look and Fear immediately felt uneasy.

The first Mind Worker, burly and confident, cleared his throat. "Good morning, emotions. It has come to my attention that in order to achieve maximum productivity here in the prefrontal cortex, one emotion must gain the substantial set of vocabulary required to communicate with us Mind Workers."

"Huh?" Anger burst out, frowning. Fear's heart started to palpitate. Why didn't she understand? Crystal always understood things that other kids didn't. The emotions were in charge of her mind. This was beyond concerning!

The second Mind Worker cast an amused look at the first, whispering, "We wouldn't be here if they could understand." He appeared quite a bit more modest and gave a polite smile before stepping in front of his colleague. "I'm sorry you couldn't understand that; Fear, don't worry, that was way above what anyone Crystal's age could get. What he's saying is that we know a lot more words than Crystal because we do a lot of complicated things in her brain. You guys mostly learn words as Crystal learns them. But since Crystal's getting to be older, we want one of you guys to be able to talk to us about the things we do in her mind, just so it can be better."

Burly tried to regain his previous swagger and stepped up. "It's up to you which emotion comes with us to learn the new words. It only takes a night, when Crystal is asleep."

Anger's frown had only grown deeper. "Why can't all of us learn the new words? We, as in Crystal, love reading and learning. You should know that."

Modest was unruffled. "I know. Believe me, I know Crystal. But think about it, if all of you knew words already, you wouldn't be nearly as excited to help Crystal learn them. We like being closer to an adult than a kid, that's what we love about Asperger's, but we can't make her too much of an adult. Plus, working with us is not easy, and if you just want to have fun in Headquarters, volunteering for this is not a good idea."

Quite unsatisfied, Anger gave a "hmph." "Well, I'd rather not, seeing as your plan is hardly fair," he said. Disgust nodded in agreement. "I would rather spend time with Crystal than you people, no offense. There are too many things that suck in her world, like other kids and bad cartoons."

Joy, Fear and Sadness looked at each other. Sadness spoke up. "How do we learn them in a night?"

"It will take surgery to implant all the words, " Modest said. "But there are few risks, it's not painful and we have a really good doctor at our medical building."

Joy and Sadness looked at each other again, then at Fear. "I would be happy to do it, but this sounds like I would be some sort of leader when I come back, and I don't want to be selfish."

Fear gulped but thought hard for a few moments, as she had a tendency to do. "Guys.. I'll do it. I already help Crystal with a lot and if something goes wrong in her mind, I want to be the first to know."

The other two nodded. After all, Fear was a great asset to Crystal. In moments where sensory experiences overcame Headquarters, Fear ironically happened to be the only one brave enough to get Crystal to scream and run far, far away from the dog, hairdryer, THX sound on movies or other fear. Sadness realized she would hate to have the knowledge of the Mind Workers and be unable to explain the matter to a frantic Fear.

If anything would have her in tears, that would be it.

Modest made sure all the emotions were in agreement on Fear's self-selection, and informed them he would be returning for Fear that evening. The rest of the day passed by in a blur; Fear was more scared than usual, yet knew she was about to commit a noble act and must follow through on it.

Aboard the Train of Thought with Modest, Burly and one other Mind Worker, Fear looked down at the Memory Dump. She shuddered. Why should the train be so high, made of wood, and fragile? Why should the Memory Dump cover most of the mind? Should Crystal really just forget everything?

The third Mind Worker snapped her out of her stupor, put on a white coat and confirmed to Fear that she was a doctor. "We need to start getting you to sleep if we want you to be back at Headquarters when Crystal wakes up." Fear shook, expecting a needle, one of Crystal's worst fears at the time. Her oversensitivity, combined with the fact that she needed to get monthly thyroid blood tests, caused Crystal's medical visits to be quite a debacle.

As if the doctor knew what Fear was thinking, she unearthed a mask from her coat and set up an apparatus filled with wires, some of which she placed on Fear. "This won't hurt," she promised the trembling emotion. She gently set the mask on Fear's face and asked her to count backwards from ten. Before Fear reached seven, the anesthetic had done its work.

Each Mind Worker gave a contented sigh, happy to return to their usual method of communication- serious, unemotional commands. Emotions were really a struggle to handle. They were so much more immature than just about any Mind Worker, and yet they ran Crystal's mind. The logic rarely matched up. Little did these Mind Workers know that in most minds, they were the immature ones. Crystal's neurodiverse brain prized logic more than even adult minds.

At the Mind Workers' medical complex, Fear was turned over to the renowned surgeon, who completed the procedure without any complications.

As she woke up, Fear felt dim but somehow… sharp. She couldn't explain it… wait, yes she could, was that… a verbal explanation she could deliver? Oh, ah, this surgery was for her vocabulary. That made so much more sense. Fear shook her head from side to side and tried to clear her vision. Meanwhile, a single beep emitted from a machine next to her bed.

Immediately, a Mind Worker entered the room. He offered no greeting, just sat down at the foot of the bed, grabbing what seemed to be a handful of cards. Holding up one of them, he asked Fear, "Is this circle shaded more than halfway?"

"Yes," Fear replied, "three-fourths, to be exact." The Mind Worker tilted his chin in approval, proceeding to flip to the next card. Fear was asked question after question, wondering why she needed to be asked such easy questions. However, being a conflict-avoider, she decided that now was not the right time to protest.

At last, the Mind Worker put down his cards and picked up what seemed to be a large index card. "Can you read this, then tell me what it means using words you didn't know before you left Headquarters?"

Fear read it easily. "It has come to my attention that in order to achieve maximum productivity here in the prefrontal cortex, one emotion must gain the substantial set of vocabulary required to communicate with us Mind Workers." Wait. That was what Burly had said. Now she understood! A surge of satisfaction coursed through Fear's body. She bounced a little in the bed, upsetting a machine that gave off a louder beep. For the first time, the Mind Worker's lips turned up. "Now for your new synonyms?"

"I have been notified that an effective, smooth brain can only be achieved by one of the emotions learning advanced technological terminology that Mind Workers have mastery over."

"That's good. Not perfect- a bit of a run on, not an exact match- but definitely what we're intending to see. I'm going to invite Dr. Oliver in here now; he was your surgeon today. He'll do a quick post-op checkup and then we can transport you back to Headquarters. Is that acceptable?"

"Y-yes," Fear replied, still a bit mesmerized, but proud she was able to follow his commands under pressure. Her mouth opened almost instinctively. "Um, sir- I'll try my absolute best to perfect my abilities."

"Well, we will continue to run Crystal's mind efficiently until then. But yes, we will set you up to practice with us and learn about the mind. A procedure can't accomplish every necessary step." The Mind Worker opened the door, allowing Dr. Oliver to pass into Fear's room.

The doctor's checkup was quick and non-invasive, as promised. Fear was amazed that her head barely felt sore, although the doctor was quick to remind her that brain surgery _inside_ the brain didn't work quite the same way it did outside. She smiled at that and thanked Dr. Oliver as he left the room.

"I know I must return to Headquarters, but I almost would rather start learning about this mind now. You all are intelligent beyond my vocabulary! Even my new one," she joked to the younger Mind Worker. "Before I go, I'm so curious that I'm wondering who you are- a doctor? And where am I?" A combination of eagerness and stress overcame Fear.

"No, I'm not a doctor. I am simply an intern in this department. My aptitude test score was the highest among all Mind Workers my age, so I was placed on the track to a higher-level position. I have to gain experience in every department as part of my training. It is quite prolonged, but very helpful." He smirked a little. "I was only sent in to you on the off chance that you would have attacked Dr. Oliver. He's too valuable to get hurt, we shall say. As are the rest of the medical personnel.

You're on Planning Island currently; don't you know already based on our high level of organization?"

Fear's look morphed from inquisitive to disapproving to amused. He could be hurt, but not Dr. Oliver? She would be terrified of standing in his shoes, though she appreciated the logical order of things, which was all too often lacking in Headquarters.

"You still didn't inform me of your name," Fear commented.

"Ah, yes… I suppose I can tell you. I'm Alan."

To the Fear of the present, past Fear's lack of a reaction was the punchline of a joke. Past Fear gave a nod. That was all. But that was the beginning. A beautiful beginning, in fact. Fear couldn't have wished it to go any differently.

 _You're a genius, taking me out of the present for a while,_ Fear thought at Alan. _Oh my gosh, I was so different back then._

 _And I… kind of was?_ Alan replied. _Should we keep going?_

 _Yes!_ Fear thought-screamed, sounding more like ND Joy. Despite the mess of this day, despite everything Fear had said and done in 16 years, despite who she and the other emotions were… at the end of the day, Crystal was still a teenager, and in a way… so was she.

 **Next time, I'm planning to delve into Crystal's late elementary and middle school years, which were really critical to the formation of her mind as it is currently. Fear and Alan will be front and center, but I don't intend for the next few chapters to center as much on their romance as this one. Please be patient with me as I try to brainstorm the way Crystal's neurodiverse mind looks- my neurotypical emotions have really blotted out much of the way I thought as a younger person and I'm attempting to get that back. There is something beautiful about it, which Fear and Crystal will eventually learn too. Stay tuned!**


	3. Author's Note

**Hello all!**

 **It has been quite a year (and a month) for me. I am sorry I abandoned this story, but I have been very busy restructuring my life. I began writing this when I was going through the type of anxiety described in the first two chapters, and while it was therapeutic then, I think it will be even more so now that I know how this story ends. (Don't worry- it ends well!)**

 **Of course, the end of one story involving my Fear begins another. As the COVID-19 pandemic rapidly spreads in the US, I am on break at home and will likely not be returning to school in person for a while. This disruption is causing me quite a bit of worry, and I am in need of distractions. After a lesson in my psychology class on the parts of the brain, I've become inspired to continue on with this story.**

 **Updates may be slow, but I am confident that I can push out all the ideas simmering in my brain. I also recognize that no one might know or care about this story- that is okay! I am writing it for myself; an audience is merely an added benefit. However, if you are intrigued by or are enjoying this story, I encourage you to follow, favorite and leave a review.**

 **My Fear wants to tell you all to wash your hands regularly, stay home when possible, and be safe. Sometimes she is a bit extreme, but I believe her this time seeing as she is just echoing health officials. It is our responsibility to protect the elderly and other populations vulnerable to COVID-19. Also, please get your coronavirus news from organizations like the WHO and CDC, not politicians or social media influencers. I've said my piece!**

 **Have a great day and I hope to have another chapter posted soon!**

 **~Crowgranger916**


	4. Chapter 3: In Her Element

**Chapter 3 (2020)**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Inside Out.**

It was very early in the morning, perhaps about 6 AM. NT Joy's alarm gently rang, and she rolled over in bed with a practiced, ladylike calm. She blinked the sleep out of her eyes and peered under the door. Noting that the space was illuminated, she could only figure that Director was up and preparing for the day- not a surprise.

NT Joy hesitated slightly as she recalled yesterday's anxiety attack, and a sad smile came over her face. However, she banished any morbid thoughts and instead opened her wardrobe, which was full of Crystal's real-life print tops. Like all of the emotions, she was disturbed but unsurprised by Crystal's mounting performance anxiety. Crystal went to a top high school, and was aiming to be at the top of her class. Whether she and the other emotions liked the anxiety or not was irrelevant- it would remain until Crystal got an appointment with a psychiatrist and Director struck a compromise with Crystal's mental health team.

She also knew that in order for Crystal to become her best self in the world, there would be a great deal of struggle and sacrifice. Director understood that very well, so she allowed Crystal to fret about and eliminate her undesirable characteristics without letting her get as far as full-out panic or self-harm. Anyways, NT Joy had the utmost faith in her creator's ability to propel Crystal's success. If there was ever a problem with any of Director's plans, it was a fluke to be immediately resolved.

She did wish the anxiety wasn't so disruptive sometimes. But she would flit around Headquarters, productive as ever, because Director had come to her and clarified her role in Crystal's well-being. "You cannot let Crystal descend into lonely angst, which your ND colleagues would have her do," NT Joy recalled Director commanding. "Your job is to show her the light in this harsh world, and have her spread that light to all of her friends in an appropriate manner."

And this NT Joy did. Sliding on a flowery top and spandex leggings, she exited her bedroom chamber, only to come face-to-face with her closest compatriot, NT Disgust. These two were the most vital to Crystal's success in the neurotypical world, and they had become best friends even before Director authorized them to come to Headquarters. Disgust was attractive, snarky and betraying no insecurity.

"Morning!" NT Joy called out brightly. "How'd you sleep last night, Fashion Girl?"

Disgust laughed and cast an amused eyeroll at her friend. "Pretty darn great," she lied, knowing her creator would want none of the Dream Duty dispute betrayed. "So what's up in your fun little world?"

NT Joy flashed a radiant, picture-perfect smile and said breezily, "Oh, I was just thinking about this weekend with Alexis!" Alexis was Crystal's closest friend from school, and she had invited Crystal to her family's mountain lake house that weekend. "I can't wait to see her family and the doggies!"

Last time Crystal had gone to the lakehouse, one of Alexis' dogs had curled up next to Crystal while her dad drove the family boat over some bumpy waves. It had been a real thrill, and Director had been thankful for the dog's comforting weight.

NT Disgust cast a sardonic look and said, "Well, let's just not touch the underside of the deck this time- the algae!" Her face quickly darkened and she added, "and let's not jump into the lake again when we can't swim, even with a life jacket. That felt like we were drowning."

Joy's smile disappeared for a second, and she reassured her friend, "You know that won't happen again. We will be fine."

Both sets of eyes flicked toward the control room, which they had now reached. To neither's surprise, a certain purple emotion had already taken her place at the center of the console as Crystal scrolled through Quizlet flashcards. "Good morning," she said, just before Crystal's dad called out that breakfast was ready.

"Morning, Director," both NT emotions chorused in unison.

Today was a quiz day- not quite as pivotal as a test day, but close, especially when the quiz was difficult. Crystal's quiz today was in English, a class where very few grades were put in the gradebook, so the pressure to perform well was high. Not one for idle chatter in these moments, Fear was all business from the moment Crystal had awoken. "NT Joy, come drive for me- I need to check that Ac/Plan has perfect worker attendance this morning. NT Disgust, please unload the deliveries from line T2," she ordered, with no sign of last night's weakness.

NT Joy took her place at the console and watched over Crystal's breakfast as she discussed the upcoming day with her family. Her friend stepped into a nearby elevator and disappeared downstairs to the Headquarters train station, soon to return with boxes from the secondary Train of Thought.

Even as the neurodiverse emotions filed into the control room, everyone was a mask of orderliness and control. Nothing could distract Crystal from her ultimate mission. No emotion wanted to see her get less than a 98% in English, and Fear would reprimand any who disrupted her machine.

Seeing as there was no need for Crystal to exhibit anything but neurotypical behaviors at school, the four NDs, with the exception of Sadness, who seemed deep in thought, retired to a side nook to read the day's _Crystal Post._ Flipping past the cover story on today's quiz and a secondary story on the visit with Alexis, ND Joy located a specialized column: "Is Partially-Hydrogenated Peanut Butter Worth the Nutritional Cost?" What followed was a very specialized analysis of the mind's perspective and specific memories of peanut butter, which the focused emotion dug into with glee.

Fear wasn't a fan of these types of stories- she would prefer that the newspaper be covered with socially popular topics, but she recognized that the neurodiverse emotions needed material to satisfy their strange cravings on obscure topics. For now, though, she ignored her colleagues and focused on getting Crystal ready for the quiz that would determine her fate.

A loud bell, 5 beeps on the note of G (as the Cello Island Mind Workers had one day noticed) sounded through the history classroom. Crystal rose from her seat, hurriedly collecting her belongings and catching up with her friend Sasha.

As it was before any quiz, Crystal's heart rate skyrocketed. She felt lightheaded when she used up even more of her energy on a conversation with Sasha. With a single finger, Fear directed NT Joy away from the console, and conversation ceased.

Crystal and Sasha arrived in English class and took their seats. Crystal recalled with longing all of the times that her teacher had begun class with creative journals rather than a quiz, but quickly banished those thoughts. This was here, this was now, and Crystal was going to perform well. She had to, or she would face the consequences. She shuddered once. Compared to her chattering classmates, Crystal's face was a mask of determined stone.

In the Mind World, Fear "powered up." As usual, video screens with different departments from Academic/Planning Island appeared, and the sound of the pencils of rows of Mind Workers filled the room. A large, red light flicked on outside Headquarters, enforcing quiet from all non-essential Mind Workers. Fear sat commandingly at the center of the console, her expression mirroring Crystal's. Her hands flew over the controls as she peered at Alan, stiff in his position on the Island.

Perhaps most importantly, a large screen with "15%" in the middle displayed next to Crystal's vision. Fear ignored this for the moment and instead raised her right hand for silence. All of the Mind Workers on the Island immediately stilled and raised their eyes towards her on their respective screens.

"Ac/Plan, prepare for departmental role call," she stated as most of the other emotions plopped down on Headquarters' couch, not needed at a time without social interaction. Her voice carried easily to the rest of the mind.

"Department of Study," Fear began.

"Present," replied a Mind Worker.

"Department of Elimination."

"Present."

"Department of Written Language, Section E." 'E' stood for English, since Ac/Plan had a department of written language for each subject, even math.

"Present."

The usual sensation of zipping energy filled Headquarters. Each and every assessment was something Fear and Ac/Plan treated as if it were a rocket flight.

Fear's roll call went on for the next few seconds. Then, the replies started to change.

"Department of Deduction."

"Standby."

"Department of Written Language, Section H." The disgruntled history department readied itself to discuss the historical setting of the class's book if necessary.

"Standby."

"Department of Elementary Arithmetic."

"50% power, Director." Only half of the department's Mind Workers were present, simply for the purpose of ensuring Crystal marked the multiple choice questions correctly.

The roll call came to a close as Crystal's English teacher began passing out the quizzes.

Fear gestured to the large screen with the number in the center. "At time equals zero, cognitive power is 15 percent, expected to climb to 60 percent and steady. All other metrics at zero, maximum metrics estimated at the following: Long Term Storage retrieval rate 7 memories per second, creativity quotient 2, analytical power at 45 percent capacity."

Most of the other emotions ignored these technical cognitive metrics- that was Fear and the Mind Workers' territory, and they were just eager to get the quiz over with.

"Thank you," Crystal breathed to a classmate as she got up out of the seat to retrieve her paper. The moment Crystal's back hit her chair, Fear's most forceful command to the Island came. "Engage."

The percentage on the screen rapidly began to increase as the Mind Workers conversed over the quiz questions, most of which were identifying who had said a quote- or who the quote had been said to- in the English class's required reading. Outside, the Island began to reverberate, all of the emotions feeling its literal brainpower under their feet.

Fear's heart rate slowed while looking at the questions. Yes, Crystal had studied all of this and more. Perfect. For the most part, Fear remained silent as Ac/Plan led Crystal to circle and write answers. She gave periodic updates on the metrics to Mind Workers who did not have the time to look at them. Eventually, she proclaimed, "CP at 60%. Hold steady," and Alan visibly relaxed his hold on a silver lever on the Island.

Only once did she give another command; when the Department of Study hesitated on who a quote had been said to, Fear said, "Proceed," sure that the department could reinvestigate that one later on.

Memory after memory of studying shot through the recall tube, projecting briefly onto the screen before either Fear or the Mind Workers dismissed it.

The other emotions emitted a small sigh of relief. Fear was never this silent during a quiz unless Ac/Plan was fully assured in its knowledge. The two Joys gave each other a high five, but Fear wasn't relaxing yet. As if she ever did.

A few desks away, Crystal's friend Sean struggled to answer the questions. He had forgotten about the quiz and had only been reminded this morning by Crystal herself. Whereas Crystal had studied for over an hour, he'd hoped his existing knowledge would suffice.

Sean's mental preparation for the quiz was nothing like Crystal's. School was not a passion of his, so his academic preparation did not take place on an island but rather inside a processing center near Long Term Memory. His emotions didn't communicate with the center, either. They only interfered if they were sure some Mind Worker had gone bananas.

"Oh jeez," Sean's Disgust commented as Sean turned the paper over to view a cryptic quote. "Who said that…?"

"I dunno, man, I just want us to get back home so we can practice clarinet," Joy replied with longing.

His emotions stared out the window at a musical Personality Island. Only Anger noticed the processing center's mistake. "No, Sarah didn't say that, Catherine did." He pressed a button on the console. Sean erased the name "Sarah" and replaced it with Catherine. Satisfied, Anger turned away from the console as the processing center looked over Sean's answers again.

"Oh, school," sighed Joy. "Thanks, Anger."

"At least it's not math!" laughed Anger, and as the "m-word" came out, a tiny spark detached itself from the top of his head.

"Do you think this might lower our grade? Should we have studied more?" Fear asked shyly.

"Sean knows enough on here to get a B, and come out with an A average in the class. He will be fine," said Joy. "An A is an A, that's what matters. Our Sean is a smart guy already and he doesn't need to be hitting the books for hours."

"Like Crystal," remarked Disgust. "She keeps making sour faces when she gets, like, a 95. She's so extra!"

"Yeah, so extra she can barely practice cello. But, as Sean says to her, we all have our passions and dislikes," Sadness reminded them.

Anger conceded the point internally but not externally. "All I can say is that her emotions must be quite the interesting bunch."

Yep, Sean was definitely a smart guy.

As Crystal successfully answered every single quiz question- including the one that Ac/Plan had stumbled over before- she raised her hand for her teacher to come take the quiz. Fear rattled off the ending cognitive power metrics before the teacher grabbed the quiz.

"Completed," Fear concluded, "predicted high A. Well done, Ac/Plan. Return to normal activities. I will be contacting you later."

The video screens disappeared, and only Crystal's main screen remained. NT Joy returned to the console as the rest of the class had their quizzes collected and Crystal's teacher told the class to give him a minute to get coffee.

Crystal turned to Sean and asked, "How'd it go?"

Sean grimaced, "Eh. Not so good. I didn't know a lot of those. But I'll be fine, I didn't study because I was at a clarinet masterclass last night. Like it's whatever." He shrugged and smirked at Crystal. "How'd you do?"

Crystal crossed her fingers. "I think I did well. I studied for almost an hour. Quote identification is a rough one, so I needed to study lots!"

Another classmate turned around and regarded Crystal a bit desperately. "Do you even know how to do the lui/leur objects in French?!" she exclaimed. "He said someone got a 100 on that test even though he taught it so badly, was it you?!"

Fear let a rare smile show through as NT Joy answered. "Yeah, it was. I can help you! Text me! But he's not a great teacher, so I understand," NT Disgust helped Crystal add sheepishly.

The classmate said, "Okay, thanks," and started chattering about her French teacher with Sasha in the desk next to her. The discussion quickly turned to clothes as both girls showed off their new jean shorts. Fear made a mental note to assemble a committee so that Crystal could participate in discussions on this topic.

At last, the teacher re-entered the room, closed the door, and started going over the day's lesson plan. Fear pressed a few buttons on the console, and Crystal stopped talking, sat up straight and picked up her pencil. Academic/Planning Island started bouncing again outside as Fear called out mentally to Alan.

 _Ready to raise our hand more than anyone else and show him what we've got?_ Fear asked.

 _You bet,_ Alan replied, and a smirk formed on Fear's lips as she began assigning the other emotions tasks to complete.

The class went on. Crystal's order went on. She was in her element. For now.

 **Phew, that was a long chapter! Please leave a review or message me about any aspects of this you don't understand. I know it is heavy in technical terminology, forgive me- my neurodiverse emotions love all of those details.**

 **I really think this chapter begs one question: is Crystal truly human, or is she just her perfectionistic Director's puppet with a thin layer of neurotypical small talk on top? Fear not- the next chapter will address this question as it delves into Crystal's past (I decided not to address that right away) and the neurodiverse emotions, the five she was born with.**

 **Wash your hands, stay at home when possible, stay safe, and stay tuned!**

 **~Crowgranger916**


	5. Chapter 4: The Moment of Light

**Chapter 4 (2020)**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Inside Out.**

 **Note: All of the emotions in this chapter are the ND (neurodiverse) emotions. Just to be clear, she has the same five as Riley! The four (yes, four- I will explain that later and realize I made a mathematical error) NT (neurotypical) emotions will not be appearing until Crystal's pre-teen years.**

 **Aside from the opening paragraphs, this chapter covers Crystal's early life. I hope you enjoy!**

If there was one thing Fear was truly proud of, it was her and Crystal's natural affinity for hard work. Even without her Director at the console, Crystal rarely let anything slide, whether it was a small assignment, kind thank you note to an uncle or grandmother, or an opportunity to please one of her teachers. Adults had recognized Crystal's maturity early, and rewarded her accordingly.

Fear knew that she and the Mind Workers were responsible for this maturity, not the other emotions. If she could hit the sweet spot between Crystal's neurodiverse intellect and a neurotypical social persona, Crystal would be beloved by all the world.

The key to this was strict organization, study, and hard work. Because there was a time when Crystal's mind possessed none of these attributes. Though her neurodiverse colleagues raved about its beauty, it was a time Fear desired to learn from and forget.

* * *

When light infiltrated Headquarters for the first time, the cells inside, basic as they were, strained towards it. Every chemical bond, proton, neutron and electron in the brain instinctively knew that it had originated from a star, of which their planet was only an accomplice. The Sun was a fairly ordinary star, in the grand scheme of the universe, but a radiant and unique star nonetheless.

Two cells had undergone a fascinating transformation. It was a wonder, how the long strands of inanimate chemicals bound together, pulled apart, traversed in the space of Crystal's mother's womb, and converged to form a whole new organism. The moment of light was something that all of these cells had been preparing for, especially those in the brain, naturally chosen to command.

So when the light came, there was delight in the air, just for a millisecond- but it was enough, enough to acknowledge the beauty, the wonder, the impossible possibility of Crystal's birth on an obscure planet in a mostly-empty universe. The light could be compared to the birth of the universe itself, the way that nothing became something, the sudden, thrilling rush of the larger world as it expanded before Crystal's eyes.

But the beauty lasted only an instant, difficult to see, before the results of millions of years of Earth-bound evolution materialized inside Headquarters and marked her as human. Human: advanced in a way never seen before, loving in a way never seen before, cruel and flawed in a way never seen before. And from then on it became Crystal's task, the one she shared with her species, to take that millisecond to appreciate her fortune. Otherwise, competing human forces would war with each other until they returned to the Earth from which they had come.

The first force materialized in a sea of red, blinked, and looked around. Anger: a sea of solid red particles in the shape of a brick, taut and ready to initiate aggression at any time. He was dressed in solid, tightly-fitting garments, which only added to his taut appearance.

A nurse's hands cradled the baby Crystal as she lifted her out of her mother's womb. The light on the screen was blinding and dazzling, the temperature unbearably cold, the voices harsh and grating against the baby's ears. Anger felt all of these sensations and, somehow sensing his role, rushed to the single button that had just materialized. He pressed it. It lit up red, and Crystal let out a harsh, loud, LONG cry, kicking her tiny feet against the nurse's hands. Anger knew instinctively that his girl missed the womb, and wanted to go back.

The nurse laughed good-naturedly and said "no lung suction needed!", her mother smiled weakly as the doctor repaired the c-section, and her father had tears of joy streaming down his face. Baby Crystal, however, paid no attention to anything but the fact she was being carried away from her mother, the only home she had ever known. As Crystal was placed on a small table to be cleaned, Anger maintained his hold on the button. But Crystal herself was starting to feel something else…

"Uh- hello?" came a meek, feminine voice from behind Anger.

Anger whirled around, still trying to orient himself. He did not know that he could speak, but he did so instinctually: "Who are you? Are you here for this baby? I'm mad that she just got taken away from Mommy…" he said, a spark emerging from the top of his head.

The lean, tall emotion shivered at his words and failed to answer his first question in her haste. "That's not good! Is she safe? Is she okay over there?" She sprinted towards the button and moved Anger's hand away, turning it purple. "I have a feeling I can fix this."

Crystal's sharp cries ceased, but her heart rate sped up, still insecure at being away from her mother. However, the nurse patted Crystal good-naturedly and cooed, "that's right, baby girl, I'm cleaning you up, and you'll feel better real soon, okay?"

Neither emotion could yet understand her words, but they both felt the comfort of the nurse's pat and how much nicer it was not to scream. Anger's temper calmed and though he felt uneasy, it was preferable to his previous rage. "Wow, you're good at this," he said, looking down at his own hands and wondering at what point he would be more useful than his colleague.

The purple emotion smiled, "Uh, thanks. I-I'm Fear. You?"

"I'm Anger… do you need help with anything?"

Fear smiled nervously and held up a hand. "No, that's okay, I prefer it when she's not angry… I think my job is to keep her safe, doesn't that sound like a good idea right now?"

Anger conceded the point, feeling unsure of why he had even appeared first… "Nice to meet you, Fear," he started off, and then gritted his teeth as he admitted, "Yeah, it does. Um, I'll leave you alone." He retreated away from the button as Fear cringed away from the fire that had just illuminated on his head.

That one moment of frustration and purposelessness defined most of Anger's waking life. Whenever he motivated Crystal to take a risk, to lash out, he would always end up regretting it and handing the console to his purple colleague, who could manage the situation in a way that felt much more acceptable to Crystal's mind.

Crystal herself grew up sensitive, docile, sweet, and unaware that part of her humanity was being suppressed in a small corner of her brain.

* * *

She was a beloved baby and toddler; every member of her extended family wanted to come and see the product of her two loving and intelligent parents. Many braved long flights and car trips to the remote area where Crystal's mother had landed a job, enthusiastic to see the baby develop.

By the time Crystal had been brought to her parents' townhome, five emotions had emerged in her Headquarters: after Anger and Fear, Joy had appeared when Crystal nursed with her mother, Sadness emerged when that experience ended due to a doctor needing to check her mother's vitals, and Disgust arose as Crystal felt a certain sticky sensation near the back of her lower body. Each exerted their influence on the single button in turn, and each began to discover their basic capabilities during Crystal's hospital stay.

Fear, though, was most masterful at the art of having Crystal cry out when she needed something, and stop when she became satisfied. The shrill cries that Anger produced grated unpleasantly against everyone's ears, and Sadness's blubbering upsets lasted far too long. Thankfully, safety was not a difficult objective for the young Crystal to achieve. Her parents were attentive to a fault, and she had all of her basic needs taken care of.

One of the emotions' greatest upsets came during a visit, when Crystal was suddenly passed from the comforting, familiar embrace of her mother into a strong, foreign hug by her paternal grandmother. "What a sweetie pie!" the woman cooed, rocking Crystal up and down, the way that her own children and younger siblings had liked it. She had gone through many positive experiences, but seeing her son and his lovely wife produce a child would go down as one of the greatest. She was so very excited to have a granddaughter!

Her excitement, however, was not mirrored by the emotions. They had quickly learned that most humans- with the exception of Crystal's parents- spoke much too loudly for their taste, and baby Crystal voiced her discontent in turn. The overwhelming and uncertain sensory experience of being held by the woman wiped Joy's excited smile right off her face.

All of the emotions but Joy rushed to the button, but paused uncertainly as soon as they arrived. Naturally sensitive, Sadness took a step back, and tears started to form on her face. This left Fear, Disgust and Anger to decide who would provide the response.

"Remember the time with the nurse?" Fear asked Anger. "I should keep Crystal safe in the same way this time."

Anger felt that same sense of frustration, but stepped back, and Disgust quickly followed. Fear pushed the button, which lit up purple. Outside, Crystal let out a scared cry and looked at her mom, tears falling from her face.

"Don't take it personally, Wilma, you know how they are so young," Crystal's mother said, reaching out her arms for her baby.

"Oh, I do!" Crystal's grandmother asserted, ignoring the arms. She was going to hold her granddaughter for more than thirty seconds! "I know you want your mommy, sweetheart, but maybe a bottle will help!" Her husband pulled a bottle out of the fridge, and she pressed it up to Crystal's lips. Unfortunately, this proved a bit useless. Crystal's crying and writhing went on, and all of the adults stared at her with a perplexed expression. This baby was particularly sensitive to outsiders, it seemed…

"Oh, Crystal," her mom sighed to break the tension, taking the baby back more forcefully from the grandmother's arms. Fear released her hold on the button, and the emotions relaxed as they felt the familiar sensation and scent of Crystal's mother. "It's okay, Wilma, you can hold her when she's asleep," her mom added, wiping some of the discontent off Crystal's grandmother's face. Her father began to recount a football game he had watched, distracting the eager grandparents from his precious daughter.

From then on, Fear initiated the same procedure whenever Crystal was held by anyone other than her mother and father. Only with those two was there safety. The task fell upon Crystal's mother to explain to unhappy extended family members why she wouldn't give Crystal up to be held.

Raising Crystal was a battle, even though her parents would never fully admit that. Not only was the young girl emotionally sensitive, but she immediately began to show signs of stomach issues and high susceptibility to cold viruses. In all of these physical moments, Headquarters was rather chaotic. A shaken Joy would curl up with the sobbing Sadness, Disgust would be pressing button after button to make her discontent known, and Anger's fiery head would ignite for hours. Physical pain was hard to take for all of the emotions, but especially Fear. The console lit up bright purple whenever she laid a finger on it, and Crystal would cry out in terror and uncertainty as her parents unsuccessfully attempted to calm her.

When Crystal transitioned from a vulnerable newborn to a curious toddler, though, her personality came into full view- this included the eccentricities that enabled Crystal to succeed, as well as those which were difficult to deal with.

* * *

Sadness was in charge as Crystal propped herself up on the floor, rifling through the pages of interactive picture books and feeling the strange surfaces. Though she could not read the words yet, she studied the pages intently. Hundreds of memory orbs came rolling into Headquarters regardless of the emotion controlling the console; Crystal, it seemed, desired to commit all of the newfound graphics to memory.

Some of Crystal's relatives were perplexed by Crystal's focus as she read and played. Most kids' Joys came out in full force during these times, but Crystal's Sadness, combined with the processing centers outside HQ (which the emotions were not yet constantly communicating with), found much of her purpose in these sessions. It was an early version of happy tears- the world was so intricate, so advanced, so beautiful to Crystal, that only Sadness' intensity could fully help her express this.

Fear was also a vital link in playtime. Though it was appropriate for Crystal to intensely appreciate the picture books, she knew that there were some objects that, if appreciated too much, would cause her girl harm. Fear also controlled much of Crystal's interaction with her parents. Like with many aspects of her neurodiversity, the trust between Crystal and her parents was intensified to a level not seen in most toddlers. Crystal did not literally fear her parents, but they, in a sense, were responsible for teaching Fear her job. They pointed out dangerous objects and areas, and, before Crystal could understand language, lifted her away from safety hazards. Fear took all of this in attentively and used the Memory Orbs to teach Crystal the big "no-nos" of toddler life.

This was not to say that Joy remained inactive. Whenever Crystal was feeding off her mother (or later in her high chair), being lifted up by one of her parents, or in a quiet space that she could explore, her exuberant Joy came out in full force. Joy was incredibly shy toward her colleagues, but formed a good relationship early on with each of them. Under her influence, Crystal would smile, wriggle around in excitement, or laugh.

On sunny days where her mother would lie in the manicured grass and lift Crystal above her head, the light in the girl's eyes seemed nearly as bright as that of the sun, never-ending and all-consuming. Joy herself would push a button, jump her way to the back of Headquarters and back, then press another. Though she said little, her waves of exuberance spoke loudly and clearly to her colleagues, who backed off for a little while and shared in her delight.

It was a time not free of suffering, but free of societal influence: a time that Crystal would never be able to remember, nor return to.

But perhaps the most glorious months of all were those where Crystal could remain sheltered from society as she developed a gift: language.

* * *

 **I will admit that the baby scenes were a bit boring to write, since I can only go off of what my parents have said about me. I also respect them enough not to write from their perspectives. Hopefully I haven't bored you to tears. The pseudoscientific birth scene was highly enjoyable to write, however. As you can tell, I am a science nerd (and am missing my biology class dearly during this pandemic).**

 **I am also an English nerd, French nerd, politics nerd… the list goes on! This is why I am looking forward to writing the next chapter, when Crystal develops language. It will focus on preschool and elementary school, and contain a lot more dialogue, seeing as I have actual memories from that time and the emotions are linguistically maturing.**

 **Also, COVID-19… got real big, real fast. Please practice social distancing and stay home if you can, even when you don't feel sick. I will not be leaving the house very much- this fanfic is powering me through my shaky and lonely feelings about it all. You are welcome to PM me if you just need someone to talk to (no asking for personal info though). Remember, it is okay to not be okay, just remember to get support. Wash your hands, listen to the WHO/CDC… and stay well.**


End file.
